How To Outsource Your Entire Life

*I’ve been having my apartment professionally clean (on the CHEAP) by Handy for the past year or so. I live in a studio. I really don’t care how lazy this seems. I know myself, and the alternative is that the apartment never really gets cleaned until I move out and scrub the drywall off for 3 days. The cleaner comes monthly, and in the in-between period, I clean the kitchen about weekly. That’s my contribution. #Bestlife

*A friend recently offered me a gift certificate to Washio. Here’s how it will work: they arrive at my house, take my laundry, abscond with it and bring it back – cleaned and folded. On the way, they will pass the extremely accessible laundry machines on my hallway, shake their head in disgust, and purposefully misplace 3 of my socks.

*Shopping online is quick, easy and fraught with danger. For some people, not all transactions are final. If they order the wrong size, they return the item, or exchange it for something that fits. They might even buy two sizes at once to see which works the best. If an item breaks while under warranty, they get the item replaced. If I order the wrong size of anything, I consider it a sunk cost, wait three years and then donate it to charity. But I recently learned of a service that will box up and return packages FOR YOU. I’m about to go ham on Loft.com.

*I love eating, but it’s just constantly coming up. It’s like no sooner do you cook and eat one meal than it’s time to cook and eat the next – or order out and feel on some level that it’s killing you more quickly than the food you could have cooked. Thank goodness for sites like Blue Apron and Hello Fresh, which exist to kill you more slowly and teach you what sunchokes are.

*I spend a lot of time worrying about things, so I’ve recently joined a service called Worry Warts which makes a daily summary list of things that should be troubling me, ranked in order of importance. This saves me time and concentrates my anxiety into a night serum produced by L’Oréal Paris.

*Hair, amirite? I have so much of it, and I’m repeatedly told that some of it is not supposed to be there. I really can’t be bothered with hair removal, but I do want to wear tank-tops sometimes, so when I heard about the new service Hairly There, I screamed: “Shut up and take my money! And my hair!” And they did. I’d rather not discuss how this service works.

*I love my family’s and friends’ babies. LOVE them. So much. But I have to admit I don’t love baby showers. I’m not good at them. I buy something random off the registry no earlier than five hours before the shower, ship the gift directly to the parent-to-be, arrive late (and empty-handed), and have almost no reference point for any of the presents that are opened. That’s why I’m so pumped about Baby Crazy, a concierge who will attend baby showers on my behalf, wearing a me-mask, and come armed with witty baby jokes, applicable maternal knowledge, and extremely thoughtful, hand-quilted gifts. Coming soon for bridal showers, too!

Or not. Someone else could.

Or not. Someone else could.

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