Gift Registry Tips for Swindlers

Do you love receiving packages from Amazon that you didn’t pay for? Do you have extra cabinet space for superfluous appliances, or are you willing to upgrade to a new home just to get some additional storage space? Are you the genetic opposite of a freecyler?

If any of these apply to you, I suggest getting engaged and creating a wedding registry. But really, these tips apply to any gift registry where the unequivocal goal is to trick your loved ones into buying you things you don’t need, already have, or had been planning on picking up from Target next week. Let’s dive in:

Make a list of appliances you have never used and probably never will. Suggestions include ice cream makers, waffle irons, juicers, egg poachers, food dehydrators, and a soda maker. Register for one of each.

Inventory your current appliances. Do you already have a hand mixer? Has it served you faithfully since college with not so much as a frayed cord? Does your blender still make a very smooth smoothie and crush ice with ease? Throw these appliances in the trash or leave them on the sidewalk. Register for a more expensive version, as recommended by Consumer Reports or Cook’s Illustrated.Take your current shopping lists and add every item on there to your registry. While you probably needed toothpaste and conditioner now rather than 6 months from now, you really should not be paying for anything at this point when it could be gifted to you instead.

Register at websites that allow people to fund portions of your honeymoon. Never reveal that what they’re actually paying for is your rent.

Choose an exotic new hobby that you’ve never tried and suspect you will not be very good at. Suggestions include free climbing, fly fishing, and ice dancing. Register for all the gear that this new hobby requires.

Register for items that are 2-3 sizes larger than everything you currently own. You will feel delicate and small among all your Giant Belongings.

Push the limits of what is register-able. Pet insurance? Rock-hard abs? Cleverer jokes? The exact date of your death? Add it to the registry and just see what happens.

Do not register for gifts for the person you are. Register for gifts for the person or rich alter-ego of a superhero that you aspire to be.

Good luck, you greedy love birds!

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