A Beginner’s Guide To Alienating People Randomly

Quick question: It’s normal to lose friends, right? Not just drift apart over the years, or misplace them in the backseat of your car. Just straight up abruptly lose them in the blink of an eye after certain things were said or done – or not said or not done. If I were to count, I would say I’ve “lost” at least 3 to 4 friends in my lifetime. This doesn’t include roommates, who all dislike me except the handful who have become some of my dearest friends.

It happens to everyone. I think? I’m mostly a nice person, but I also get really angry sometimes and say angry-person things. Some people refuse to believe this because I’ve never said angry-person things to them, and others break up with me or hide me on Facebook because I have. Still others are my family members and have to love me forever.

If for some strange reason that you should probably investigate in therapy you’re looking to alienate someone you once felt very close to, here are some beginner’s tips:

Step 1: Befriend someone who is as sensitive as if not more sensitive and easily bruised than you.

Step 2: Hang out with this person at an inopportune time, such as after a long night of drinking after a light dinner, after a week of inadequate sleep, while in an emotionally fraught state, or at literally anyone’s wedding.

Step 3: Get mad about something dumb, and tell the person about it passionately and without filter.

Step 3B: Alternatively, tell the person you’ll do something and then forget to do it.

Step 4: Feel bad and guilty about whatever it is you said or didn’t say, did or didn’t do.

Step 5: Avoid that nagging guilt by avoiding the person who is causing it. Take offense at their offense. How dare they!

Step 6: Allow the years to pass, the hurt to heal, and reflect upon the small moments in life that can make or break a friendship. Marvel that people manage to remain friends at all.

Step 7: Mourn the loss, resolve to be better next time, but mostly cherish the people in your life who accept you as you are in this moment – flaws and all.

Optional, bonus Step 8: Get your heads out of your collective asses, if possible, and try to reconnect.

Hope that helps! Now call your therapist!