Moms. I see you out there, watching your child get a little less small every day, excited for them but also nostalgic for those moments and milestones that pass so quickly. Maybe the tiniest bit heartbroken, knowing your baby is a little less a baby every day. Perhaps you think “slow down” or “let me catch my breath” or “literally stop growing physically and emotionally and become an eternal baby forever.” Well, I am here to tell you: there’s hope. While your baby will probably not stay actually small enough to hold in your arms without incurring a serious back injury, he or she can definitely become an eternal baby. I am living proof. Here’s how:
1. Make your baby promise to remain a baby forever. As a young child, I agreed to this easily, and I have kept up my end of the bargain in so many ways: crying without a clear sense of what I want, waking my mother up in the middle of the night, expecting others to feed me. Try eliciting a similar promise from your baby, possibly in writing once they are old enough to hold a pen.
2. Teach your baby life skills, but not too many. Leave a few things out, like how to hard-boil eggs or change vacuum cleaner bags. Show your baby that it’s better and faster when you just do things for them.
3. Definitely DO NOT teach your baby how to drive. With a car, your baby can do SO many things for his or herself. Besides, who ever heard of a licensed baby?
4. Year by year, increase the height of every cabinet in your home, just slightly, so your baby will never, no matter how much they think they’ve grown, be able to reach a mug without getting a chair or asking for help.
5. Pray that your baby never quite looks their age, or is treated accordingly. Getting others on board in treating your child like an eternal baby will really lighten your load.
6. Never be too busy for your baby’s incessant demands. The minute you are, your baby’s ability to make decisions and complete tasks without your input will increase dramatically.
7. Keep your baby away from therapists.
8. Don’t let your baby have a baby of their own. Nothing ages a baby faster than having to raise a child.
9. Cross your fingers.
I’m pretty sure if you follow these steps you’ll end up with an eternal baby to enjoy for a lifetime. Or, a very confused adult. Happy Mother’s Day to my amazing mamma, and to all the moms out there! May your babies grow into incredible people but also continue to rely on you to accomplish basic tasks like disputing cell phone bills. ❤️❤️❤️