When you think of the holidays, what comes to mind? Presents? Tall, decorated evergreen trees? Wreaths? Disposable cups from Starbucks?

For me, it’s all of the above PLUS hours spent watching sappy holiday movies with my mom. Preferably of the made-for-TV variety.

If you sit down to a made-for-TV holiday movie expecting a solid plot and cringe-free dialogue, you will be disappointed. But if you enter into this cable wonderland with an open heart and shockingly low expectations, you’ll be set for the holiday season.

Here’s my guide to enjoying made-for-TV holiday movies.

❄️ Don’t be alarmed by gaping plot holes or time travel paradoxes that negate the entire plot of the movie you just watched, or force characters to miss years of their lives in the process of altering past mistakes.

❄️ No matter what Mariah Carey promises you, even if she offers you a sip from her miracle anti-aging blood elixir, or to sing you to sleep, don’t let her direct a film.

❄️ Don’t get bogged down by ideas like feminism or urbanism. Women should always leave their high-paying if sometimes stressful job in the city to take over their dead relative’s diner in the smallest and worst town in America. There, instead of having novel (if sometimes stressful) experiences, they’ll run into people from high school who they hate. But the rent will be cheap.

❄️ Wait… what rent? Nine out of 10 times, there’s going to be a free house involved in the move.

❄️ Don’t stress if you miss the beginning, end or middle of the movie. You have 4 to 35 more chances to see it this year, and every year after that.

❄️ These movies are all filmed on a different planet where all but one (1) person is white. Just in case you were wondering what was up with that.

❄️ In addition, 90% of the female population on this planet works in “design.”

❄️ Getting engaged is really not that big a deal and a lot of thought and money doesn’t go into it, so definitely don’t worry about breaking your engagements, especially at the last minute when all the preparations have been made. Particularly if your fiancé is even the slightest bit annoying, in which case they deserve exactly this type of costly embarrassment.

❄️ We all have a hidden passion or talent that we’re only vaguely aware of. All it takes is reconnecting with a man from your past, or a divorced/widowed dad, to discover yours!

❄️ Don’t be ashamed that, after 90 minutes of the most poorly constructed and derivative plot lines you’ve ever seen or heard of in life, you’re crying genuine tears.

Hope you all have great holidays — and happy watching!

Thanks to my coworker for tipping me off to this gem